I Promise

Chapter 4

I Promise

“Damn him!” I kick the bedpost and immediately regret it. I wince in pain as my toe throbs inside my boot. “Ugh! Tifa, why the hell do you let Cloud Strife get to you like this! He is an asshole! Stubborn, selfish, confusing, clueless and…” I sigh and sit down on the bed. “…absolutely perfect in everyway.” My head falls into my hands as I try to catch my breath, which is still strained from my sprint up the stairs in tears. Even without the extra activity my breath would have been labored; it always is when I think about Cloud. Why does he have this effect on me?


            I focus on breathing in through my nose and out through my mouth. Everything is going to be fine. In and out. Cloud is just…Cloud. In and out. Then I hear it, the one sound I had known without a doubt I was going to hear, and yet it was the one thing I had prayed with all my might would not sound; Fenrir. I stand and run to the window just in time to see him turn the corner, down the alley that would lead him to her…his love.

            I stand at the window, tears reforming in my eyes, for several moments as if waiting for the headlights to reappear at the corner and stop in front of the bar. Finally, admitting it was an empty wish, I allow one lone tear to slide down my cheek. I turn and walk back to the bed and fling myself face down into my pillow. “WHY?!” I scream loudly, expelling all of my anger, emotion and hurt into the soft fluffy fabric, muffling my cry. “Why…why. Why. Damn him! Why. Why. Whyyyyyy?!” I lay, sobbing and cursing into my pillow, punching and kicking periodically, for what seems like hours. Eventually, after running out of tears and energy, I succumb to sleep…

            My eyes flutter open and I stifle a yawn as I look at my phone for the time. 5:00am. Uuuugh. I grumble and roll over, placing my pillow over my face. I can tell my eyes are swollen and certainly red and my throat feels dry and hoarse. Great. Today is going to really suck.  Suddenly I hear the slightest creak of a floorboard down stairs and my heart jumps. “Cloud?” I feel hope swell up inside me as I stand and walk to my door and open it a crack, wishing more than anything that he had decided to come back home.

            “Shhhhh, Marlene! You will wake up Tifa! You know she was up all night crying. We should let her sleep.” My heart sinks as I hear the refrigerator open. Of course it’s only the kids. I shouldn’t have gotten my hopes up. He’s not coming back, not this time. I open the door fully and step out into the hall.

            “I know. I just need some water. That nightmare really scared me. Denz, do you think Cloud will come back? I don’t like it when she cries like that. I want her to smile like she does when we are all together.” I stop on the third stair and my hand flies over my mouth as I gasp, trying to hold in the sound. They had heard me crying. That meant they had probably heard the fight too, and the roar of Fenrir when Cloud drove away.

            “Yeah, me too, Marlene. Cloud has to come back. He promised he would be here. He promised to take care of us.” There is a touch of anger in his voice; he is going to be heartbroken when he realizes he's wrong. The refrigerator door closes and I hear a bar stool scoot across the floor. I stay frozen on my step listening to the voices of my naïve children.

            “Tifa says Cloud always keeps his promises…I hope she’s right.”

            At this I lose control of my composure. I run back up the stairs and into my room, shutting the door quietly behind me. I pace around the room, hands balled into tight fists, wishing my punching bag were in here instead of the garage. “That stupid, stupid promise! Why did I ever make him promise to save me?” When I think about that night in Nibelheim, it all seems so silly and childish to me now.

            We were kids; he hadn’t meant that promise anymore than I had really meant for him to keep it. And yet, he had kept it. For all these years he has always saved me; he had been there for me so many times. Granted, he was usually late, but he always showed up, apologizing for keeping me waiting. I was always surprised when he showed up, bewildered by the fact that he had once again kept his promise; then again, Cloud Strife never ceased to amaze me.

            I sigh and begin to undress, removing my burgundy tank top and jean shorts from the day before. I reach my hands behind my back and unhook my bra, letting the straps slide off my shoulders before lowering my underwear to the floor and stepping out of them. Maybe a shower will calm me down. I breathe in deeply and walk to my door, poking my head out to listen for the kids, making sure they are still downstairs.

            “Oh Denzel! Turn it back! Ouran High School Host Club is my favorite; you know that! Pleeeeeease, Denz!” Good, they are still downstairs watching TV. I quickly scurry across the hall toward the bathroom.

            “But Marlene! I don’t want to watch some girly show! Fullmetal Alchemist is on!”

            “But Honey-sempai is sooooo cute! Please Denzel? It might help my nightmares stay away…” I can just imagine the puppy dog eyes she is using on him right now. Marlene is too cute for her own good, and she knows it. I smile softly and slip into the bathroom just in time to hear the Ouran opening playing downstairs.

            “Yay! Thanks, Denz! You are the best big brother ever!”

            “Yeah, whatever. I know.”

            I chuckle and lock the door behind me. I pick up my brush and start running it through my long dark hair while I think about how lucky I am to have the two most amazing kids in the world, even if they aren’t really mine. They are always there for each other and me. Even when the rest of the world let us down, we have one another. We would be all right without Cloud. It would take some getting used to, but we would make it through.

            A chill runs down my spine and tears immediately well up in my eyes. Then again, maybe not. I wipe my eyes and turn on the shower before stepping inside and closing the curtain. I squeeze some shampoo into my hands and run it through my wet hair before lathering my body with soap.

            Sure, we could survive without him. We could live out our day-to-day lives, run the bar, eat, sleep; but we wouldn’t be happy, at least not for a long time. Maybe years down the road we could forget him enough to learn to live happily again, but not anytime soon.  No, we couldn’t live happily without Cloud’s soft and hesitant yet true smile, his blond chocobo-like spikes, and his blueish green mako infused eyes. At least I couldn’t; he is my reason for living.

            I rinse my hair and body and then squeeze out a mound of conditioner and work it though my dark tresses. I sigh to myself as I rinse my hair again. Why did I let myself fall so in love with him? I would never be able to live without him no matter how long and hard I tried. I turn off the shower and quickly step out, wrapping a towel around my wet body while running back across the hall to my room.

            I dry off and run a brush through my hair before pulling it up into a ponytail. Blindly, not really caring enough to be fashionable today, I grab the first t-shirt and shorts my hands touch. After pulling my undergarments on, I slide my shorts up over my hips. After fastening them, I finally pull on the t-shirt I had grabbed with a loud exhale. “Everything will work out, Teef. He’ll come back…he always does.”

            Knock knock knock. “Tifa, can we come in?” I jump at the sound of Marlene’s voice at the door.

            “Uh yeah, sure kids. Come on in.” I pick up my dirty clothes and place them in the hamper as Marlene walks in, a piece of paper in hand, followed by Denzel carrying a tray of food.

            “We heard you get in the shower and thought you might want some breakfast. We have been up for a while so we already ate.” Denzel walks forward, ready to hand me the tray.

            “You should lay back down! That way it’s like breakfast in bed!” Marlene tugs my arm toward the bed and once I am comfortably propped on my pillows Denzel sits the tray across my lap.

            “It’s just cereal. Marlene wanted pancakes but I didn’t think we should use the stove without you or Cl-.” He looks down at his feet obviously afraid that mentioning Cloud will upset me.

            “Thank you Denzel. That was very responsible of you.” I smile and place my hand on his shoulder so he will look up at me. When our eyes meet he returns my smile. “And thank you, Miss Marlene. What is that in your hand? Did you draw me a picture?”

            “Yes!” She walks to my side and hands me the paper. “See, that’s you and me and Denzel. And then that’s Cloud, of course.” I smile at her interpretation of Cloud. Apparently in her mind Cloud is a chocobo…in a black uniform with a very large smile.

            “And who is this?” It looks like a man, also wearing a black uniform, with his hand on Cloud’s shoulder.

            “Oh yeah! That’s Zack. The other day Cloud told me that he never goes anywhere without him so I put him in the picture.” My breath catches in my chest and I can feel tears coming to my eyes. I blink rapidly to keep them away.

            “Is that so? Well, that is very nice. Thank you, Marlene. I love it!” Suddenly Marlene looks at Denzel so I shift my eyes to him as well. He is staring down at his feet again, twisting his hands.

            “Come on, Denz, just tell her what Cloud told you.”

            “Denzel? What is it, honey?” He looks up at me with weary eyes.

            “Well, I heard your fight with Cloud last night and I know you were upset about him saying Aerith’s name that night in his sleep. Marlene wasn’t the only one who heard it though…I heard him say it too. I…” He stops and looks back down at his feet.

            “You what? It’s ok…go on.” He looks back into my eyes.

            “I was confused the next morning about why he had said her name so while I was with him doing deliveries…I asked him about it.”

            “You did? Well what did he say?” With this question his face becomes confused.

            “I don’t really understand what he meant but he said that he hadn’t been himself in his dream. He said that there had been a time that he wasn’t just Cloud but also Zack and because of that, he had dreamed about something that happened to him instead of himself. It didn’t make any sense to me but I thought it might make sense to you…and maybe you wouldn’t be mad at Cloud anymore.”
             
            Type your cut contents here.By the time he is done talking the tears that surfaced because of Marlene’s picture are spilling down my cheeks. The sudden realization of the true meaning of Cloud’s words that night is more than I can handle. “Oh. Oh my, yes Denzel, it definitely makes sense to me. Thank you for telling me.” I smile at him and pat his shoulder as I wipe the tears from my face.


            “So are you still mad at Cloud?” Marlene looks at me pleadingly, hoping that I will say no.

            “Of course not, baby. This makes me very happy.” My smile grows larger as her eyes light up.

            “Oh good! I’ll call and tell him that he can come back now!” She bounces on her toes and runs for the bedroom door.

            “No, Marlene, don’t call him. I’ll take care of everything ok? You guys go downstairs and call Yuffie; ask her if she and Vincent would mind coming over to stay with you guys and run the bar for a while ok?”

            “Ok! Come on Denzel!” She skips out the door and I can hear her feet running down the stairs.

            Denzel turns to leave but stops before he reaches the door. “You are going to bring him back right, Tifa?”

            “Yes, Denzel. I promise.” He smiles before walking out the door and closing it behind him.

            Once I am alone, the information that had just been presented to me starts to sink in. Cloud had been dreaming as Zack. So he hadn’t said Aerith’s name, Zack had. So did that mean that he didn’t love Aerith anymore after all? I pick up Marlene’s drawing and look it over again. “Way to go, Tifa. Jump to conclusions and run him off.” I sigh looking at the way Marlene had drawn our family. She had drawn huge smiles on our faces; even Cloud was wearing a grin. ‘I want her to smile like she does when we are all together.’

            I think back to the day the Cloud and Denzel had been cured of Geostigma; it was the first time I could remember Cloud smiling since…since Aerith died. I didn’t know what had made me touch him like that, the way I ran my hand up his arm was definitely out of character for the way the two of us usually interacted. More unusual though, was the fact that he had returned the touch.

            The closeness of our bodies had almost been too much for me, not to mention the look in his eyes; they had been so passionate, so full of…love? My heart had started racing when he opened his mouth to speak. “Tifa, I…” My heart had stopped dead in my chest anticipating his confession but that was all he had managed to get out before Barrett interrupted him. I could have killed Barrett right then, easily.

            I could tell the moment had passed but I just needed to make sure he was ok. He had been through so much. When I asked him if he was all right, his eyes had recaptured that same passion again; they seemed to completely consume me for several moments and before finally…he smiled and wrapped me in his arms. “Yeah I am. We are. Everything’s all right. Let’s go home.”

            In that moment, my world had been complete. I was in Cloud’s arms and nothing could take that feeling away from me. I want that feeling again; I want that feeling forever. I want Cloud Strife to hold me in his arms everyday for the rest of my life.

            He does love me. I know he does. That look in his eyes told me more than any words ever could. He still had problems to work through but so did I. We had each other for support, though. We can make this work! “Well, Tifa,  now it’s up to you to go get him back!”

            I set the tray aside and exit my room once more, this time going just down the hall to Cloud’s office. The door is cracked so I decide I won’t be invading his privacy by entering. I open the door and step inside, looking around at the changes he had made since I was last here. Last month when I had entered Cloud’s office to answer the call from a certain red-headed Turk, the room had been fairly un-kept; his desk had been cluttered with papers and books on Geostigma and files from his delivery service had been piled wherever there was room. Other than the desk, his unused cot and an old filing cabinet, the room had been empty.

            Now, however, it looks as if someone actually lives here. The desk is well organized, thanks to Marlene. Cloud had enlisted her help when he returned, clearing off the desk and throwing out old files. His cot is unmade; pillow on the floor next to it just like it is every morning, thanks to his nightly escapades.

            I smile to myself as I think of the first time I heard Cloud sleepwalk. I had come out of my room with my gloves on, ready for action at the sound of footsteps outside my door that first night he stayed with me all those years ago. I had found him in the hallway asking the wall sconce for directions. “Crazy lunatic.” I chuckle and sigh, recalling the way he had blushed when I told him about the adventure the next morning.

            I walk over to the cot and pick up the small wolf plushy lying at the foot of the bed. Denzel and Marlene had won it at the street fair last weekend and had given it to Cloud to remind him of Zack. Although neither of the kids had ever met him, they both knew how special he was to Cloud, and were well aware of the sacrifice Zack had made to protect him.

            Suddenly I catch my reflection in Cloud’s mirror on the closet door. I had dressed so quickly that I hadn’t even paid attention to what I put on. I turn and look at myself fully in the mirror, smiling immediately when I recognize the shirt I am wearing. ‘Someone who loves me very much went to Gongaga and bought me this shirt!’

            I laugh to myself, remembering Denzel’s excitement when he had brought this shirt home to me. “Here Tifa! Cloud and I got you a shirt on our last delivery! Well Cloud paid for it…but I picked it out! Its from Gongaga where Cloud’s friend Zack lives!”

            “Lived.” Cloud had spat out the correction to Denzel’s mistake almost rudely. I had noticed Cloud wince at Zack’s name and he left the bar quickly after that, driving away on Fenrir and not returning until the early morning hours. Later that day Cloud had told me that he had gone to Zack’s grave and that he often went there when he was lonely, needed guidance or to let off steam.

            Suddenly it hits me and I gasp. “He’s with Zack! He has to be! But how the hell do I get there? It has to be a few hours away even on Fenrir…” Just then a number on Cloud’s bulletin board catches my eye. “That’s it!” I grab the phone and start dialing.